This is a story that has been unravelling in my life for several years.   It's about money and thievery and trust.

When I was teaching, I ran the Enrichment program in a small, rural community, in the 47th poorest state in the union.  We had no money to do projects, buy books, provide learning material or supplies.   I had no classroom, no desk, no telephone, no copy machine, no paper, no pencils.  I was given nothing...not even a map to locate my 15 schools within the 144 sq. miles of our school district.  

For the first few years I used my own money to finance our projects.   Eventually I pestered and complained enough to get my basic needs met : a desk at the central office (administration), a code to use their telephone, a code to use their copy machine...nevermind that the central office was 30 miles from 3 of my 15 schools.   Still, if I were organized, I could prepare in advance for the 3 days a week when I serviced those schools.  As time passed, and teachers, parents, principals, and supervisors saw that my program existed, and was gaining popularity ~ I began to receive a small "budget".   They would allocate me a few hundred dollars a year for supplies...it wasn't enough.   So money for travel, special projects, and community events still came from my own pocket.  

It took me a while to realize that the program should be paying for itself, and if the school district wasn't going to cover our expenses, then we needed to be "fund raising".    So, I organized the parents and together we began having bake sales, toy sales, raffles, community-wide Star Gazing events (for which we charged $1 per person)... oh, we worked our patutties-off !    I supplied the initial expense, then would be paid back after each event, from our earnings.

My students and I had a dream.  We wanted to go to Marine World in SanDiego and swim with the dolphins as part of a study on Interspecies Communication.   And we wanted to go to Space Camp.   They were Big Dreams for a small, poor school district...but, they were our dreams ~ so we stashed away our funds and kept working.   I wrote a letter and sent it off to 30 of the major newspapers in the US, asking them to run an ad (free-of-charge) seeking an "Angel" for my gifted kids.   Nothing ever came of it...evidently, there are no more angels.

Now, most of us know that fund-raising monies usually go into the business office at your school district, they create a "line-item" in the budget profile, and there are "steps", ummm, "procedures" one must go-through in order to access that money.   Well, we saved and saved and one day I decided I would use some of those 'stashed away' funds to buy some student portfolio materials.   When I went through the steps, the business manager for the district told me that we didn't have any money in our account....it had been spent.   

As the series-of-events unravelled, it turned out that our SpecEd supervisor had used it to purchase her spiffy new office desk, ergonomic chair, bookshelves, etc....and spent almost $1,000 of our hard-earned money.    (No, we never saw that money again.)

Soooo, the parent committee for my program decided we should not keep our 'independent earnings' within the school district anymore.   One of the mom's opened a savings account at our local credit union under the name "Enrichment Program".   The account she opened was a non-interest bearing account (since she didn't think it would be there for very long, and she didn't want to have to track the pennies it would earn).   Once again we went to work.   We sold baked-items and toys at local craft fairs, did lunch-time popcorn sales at the schools, more raffles ~ this time I put out several hundred dollars from my own pocket to buy supplies for the high school students to build a Tough Shed, which we then raffled off.... oh, I promise you, it was serious, hard work!   And the largest part fell on my shoulders.   Though, there was this one mom (who was the parent committee treasurer, who open the credit union account) that worked very hard, too.  She was my mainstay.   Her son was in my program and she devoted herself to helping.   We became true friends.  I went to her home for dinner several times, met her husband...we were/are friends.

One thing led to another... and, after a year or so, I took a fall and injured my lower-back.  My injury was serious.  For 2 years I kept trying to return to work, but, I'd last a few months then succumb to the pain and be out for the year.   Eventually I realized that I could not do my job anymore.  I had to quit.  There was no alternative, it wasn't fair to the kids ~ when I was out they had no teacher!   So, I left my position.

Each new teacher that the program would get, I would tell her that there was $1,600 in the credit union that belonged to the program.  I would encourage her to use the money for the students.  It wasn't until last year that they finally got a teacher who was excited to hear there were monies for her students.   I sent along the paperwork for withdrawl, which was signed by the parent-committee mom, who had moved from the state 2 years before I left.   That mom's signature was needed to access these monies.

One day a few months ago the teacher of the Enrichment Program called me (from 1,200 miles away) to tell me that the Credit Union had no money in that account....$1,600 was missing.  

Now, this may not sound like a whole lot of money to you...but it was a whole lot of work and when no one else is willing to help financially, even pennies feel like GOLD.   Besides, one 'financially responsible institution' had already absorbed $1k of our hard-earned funds...and now... well, they weren't going to get away with it.   I was ready to "blow the whistle", "halt traffic", and hire an attorney.

Then, yesterday, the "new" teacher for The Enrichment Program phoned to tell me they had traced-down the person who withdrew the funds...it was that mom, whom I'm still friends with, that came back from her new home in Colorado, three years after she'd moved away, and a year after I'd left the district.  She returned and, using her valid Colorado Driver's License, withdrew all our funds.

There are really too many details to tell the entire story, the above is a synopsis... here's my problem : SHE'S MY FRIEND!   She has even been involved in the investigation to find the funds.   She has complained to me about the lost money, saying it should have been for the kids, that her son was supposed to be able to go to Space Camp on that money.   And, still, she has known all along that she's the one who took it.  

Now, here's the unspoken issue: she's a drinker.  I've known this all along.   I haven't made a big issue out of it, because that is her personal business.  I f she wanted to tell me her problems, then I would have listened ~ but, I think she's a closet alcoholic, and so long as she stayed in the closet, it wasn't my business to go prying around....sigh.  

I met her when her son was in 2nd grade....he's now 22 years old.   We have been friends for all these years, across all these miles...we send cards, and small gifts (when appropriate)...we talk on the phone every couple months or so...we have nick-names for each other...I've written her letters-of-reference trying to help her find work....ooooh...my....gawd....

Now the "new" Enrichment Program teacher is going to send me a fax of the withdrawal paper work, and I'm supposed to talk to "my friend" about what happened to our Enrichment Program Money.

It's a very "sticky" problem.   I just feel so let-down and dissappointed.   I don't want to just come out and make an accusation.   Do you think this "paperwork" constitutes factual, concrete evidence?   Maybe there's an explanation?   How can I approach her with such a delicate, personal issue?   Is my "friend" a thief?

Think of this: even if it is all true, will she admit to it?   If she does not admit it....what am I left with?  

I need advice.

In the months that I have been coming on TheApple, I've grown to trust that the opinions I receive from you are carefully considered by intelligent minds...and together we have at least a century worth of experience....who has a simliar experience to draw from?...who can give me the right words for my dicussion with her?   How will I be able to trust what she's telling me?   Does it even matter?

Help....please.

~ a very sad debo

I' m so sorry, debo! I'm sorry for your sadness, things would be much easier if you weren't emotionally involved. This is a really complex  situation!  People do unbelievable things in straitened circumstances...

...who can give me the right words for my dicussion with her?   How will I be able to trust what she's telling me?   Does it even matter?

Although I would very much like to help...I'm afraid  noone can give you  the right words to begin the discussion with ...I'm afraid, only you will know the right answers,  choose the right words and it's you who decide how much it matters to you to lose her as a friend or not ( if she is that at all?).

I just know one thing: The truth matters.

I hope the sunshine comes out of these dark clouds soon,

                                                                                                          Mateja

PS. I think the evidence is clear!

Ask outright. Say you have the withdrawal copy with signature. Say you want it returned. Close the friendship.

Yes, Km, 

I have to approach this as a friend would...not be all "accusatory" or "angry".   Alcoholism is a disease.  And I do know that she can only see the world from her own pov, so I shouldn't expect more than she can give.   (When my beloved sister-friend was dying of cancer the Hospice worker told me that with the very-elderly and the terminally-ill, they draw into themselves, and "all their windows become mirrors"... this might be true with substance abusers as well.)

I already know that she is not in the financial position to be paying the money back. 

But, the program is no longer my responsibility.  I cannot control what they will chose to do about this.  I can only control my own reactions. 

I think I'm so offended because I am still attached to the Enrichment Program ~ emotionally.  I have never processed the bad feelings from the way I was treated...which is what my Blog is all about : trying to process the negativity so I can let go of it.    Now, this comes up before I've gotten the whole nasty business out of my system...and I feel befuddled.

I thank you for your reply because it has helped to bring some clarity!   I need to stay in my truthful center.  I need to have compassion for her without subverting my own standards. 

I think SanMac also hit the nail-on-the-head.  I need to let go. 

Whew.   I need to let go.

This is the difficult part.   When I build friendships I tend to be loyal beyond reason.  I do not easily let-go of friends.   This is why I have so many 30+ year friendships....and they are very rewarding...but, sometimes letting go is the right thing to do.  

I have had 3  friends who committed suicide...when this happens I always think, "Why? How could I have helped?  In what way did I fail my friend?"      Letting-go of friends isn't so easy for me.  

Just as with the children at school : we don't know what goes on at their house, when they come to school it might be the high-light of their life, and the smile you give them may be the only one they'll get that day.   What if I'm one of those fine threads that holds things together for my friend?   How will I know what effect ending our friendship will have on her?  

I do believe that I need to 'let go' of my friend....but, how am I going to stop worrying about her?  

How do you STOP being friends?  How do I STOP caring?

 Debo,

Sorry if you think that my answer was a "man answer". I never claimed to be Anne Landers (who was as direct most of the time). But IMHO, you need to be direct and matter-of-fact, leaving emotion and feelings of loyalty aside for a moment. You don't have to attack her in your accusation; just lay the dilemma out clearly. No one here can tell you if the paperwork constitutes "factual" or hard evidence. If there's an explanation, she will give it to you. You will either be satisfied with her answer or not. But if theft is suspected, it is certainly not up to you to follow through and make some kind of "ruling". It would seem to me to be up to some higher authority to decide if prosecution was in order or not. 

That just leaves you with the decision of to be understanding and sympathetic to her situation, or to cut all ties and move on.

That's the end of my manly advice.

 Dear debo,

I was thinking about this again this morning, and I realized something: if my friendships had all ended because of the stupid/bad things I've done, I'd be friendless today.

I guess forgive - but don't forget - is the way to go. I went through my list of close friends, and I realized that, if any of them had done something like what the lady did, I would NOT "end the friendship." We ALL have done bad/stupid things; should the consequence be losing those we have friendship/love for?

I'd say that's too harsh a punishment for screwing up. 

Everyone deserves a second (but maybe not a third, fourth) chance. To err is human - and you know the rest.

Debo,

I can only imagine what you are having to deal with. However, I would like to suggest a few options that may help.

1. Stop assuming all the responsibility for the situation.

2. All relationships have limits and boundaries.  When you are invested (either financially, emotionally, physically, or time) in a project, it is difficult to process problems without a basic plan of action.

  (a) If you want to confront her on an issue, WRITE IT DOWN and have evidence to support your position.  I'm not talking about bringing in lawyers and police, just have a copy of the relevant paperwork available.

  (b) Arrange for a meeting at a public place that is neutral, such as a library, so that everyone is more comfortable.

  (c) Let her see that you have a list of questions to ask and space available for you to take notes.  Offer to make a photocopy of the notes you take for her to keep. That way she can read what you understand as the explanation.

  (d) Bring tissues.  This sounds like a very emotional issue, so be prepared.  Leaving the table to get tissue from the bathroom will give too many opportunities to rebuild any emotional walls.

  (e) Once you begin talking to her about the situation, ask to present your information first and encourage her to take notes. Provide an outline of information so she can see that you don't have surprises, and that you are not here to ambush her.

  (f) Phrase your questions so that you are clarifying the situation, not accusing anyone of anything. A question like, "I understand that an amount of $1600 was withdrawn on MM/DD/YY.  Will you please tell me what you know about this situation?" is open and allows her to form an explanation. 

  (g) Be prepared to hear both a denial and a confession.  If she confesses, have a list of steps that she will need to follow to pay restitution.  If she denies any responsibility for it, ask her if she is willing to help track down the person who is responsible for it.  Encourage her to provide evidence that she is innocent.  Offer to support her as long as she tells the truth.

  (h) The more she sees you as wanting to help, the more likely she will be willing to accept it.

3.  An intervention for her alcoholism may be necessary.  People are a lot more forgiving of those who are willing to admit when they are wrong and are willing to do what is necessary to make it right.

Finally, be ready to end the friendship.  You will gain nothing by abandoning your morals and standards in order to maintain a relationship with a person who cannot be fully honest with you.

Good luck and God bless you.

Thanks for the "plan" John.   I'll use it.

It will need to modified a bit...you see she lives in Colorado and I'm in California...so all this will be done by telephone.   Also, the woman who is now the teacher of that program has talked to her about locating the funds, and so have I.  The three of us have been trying to figure out what happened.  I have already had several conversations with her re: the lost money.   She denies having anything to do with it...said she remembers handing all the paperwork over to the school distrcit when she moved from the state.  So, since she left the state 2 years before I did, I thought that was concrete evidence that it could not have been her.

I encouraged the new teacher to investigate and pay the fees for the credit union (where the money was stashed) to research the paperwork that would show who signed for the withdrawal.  

When the new teacher called me to say they had finally found the withdrawal form, and told me that it was my friend who had signed for it, my heart slipped to my toes...I said 'it couldn't have been her, she didn't even live in the state any longer!'   Then, she told me that the paperwork appeared to be her signature because they had a photo copy of her Driver's License to match the signature....and, it was a Colorado DL.

So.  Here's what I know:  She has already denied the responsibility.  She doesn't have the funds to repay it.  She hasn't phoned me for 2 weeks.  She's getting ready to return to the state and town where it all happened (the whole family is moving back there).  

ON YOUR LIST BELOW # 2.a. I can, and will, write out what I plan to say (so I can keep on track in a highly emotional conversation).  I will have a fax of the form with her signature on it.  #2 d. I will have tissues close.  #2. f. I will keep my questions open-ended, not to "attack" her.  Should I offer to send a copy of the fax to her?  It will have to go through the snail-mail, so maybe I should mail it and wait a few days prior to making the phone call?  #2. g.   A plan for restitution...I don't have that...she'll have to deal with the new teacher on this one...but, I do know that she cannot afford to repay the money...even though I might encourage her to contact the current teacher ~ I'm not sure she will be willing.  What should I do if she flat refuses?      #3.  An intervention.   Oh man.   Talk to me more about this one, please.  I'm so far from her, and this drinking thing is their 'family secret'...is it my position to bring this up?   I do want her to get help...  Oh maaan.

Last:   ending the frienship.  Please, will you suggest some dialogue for doing this... how do you say to someone "I don't want to be your friend any more"... it's just so heartless and cruel.  How can I say those words?  What if I'm her only life-line...what if she hurts herself over something like this?   OMG....  you know, for her to end up with this problem she must have experienced trauma in her younger years, too.  How can I fail to have sympathy?  

There go my excuses again.   IF I were to end the friendship, how would I go about that without hurting her even more?   Do you think I might just "avoid" calling her?  Avoid her calls to me?  Slowly sever communication?   [this doesn't sound right, or "upstanding"]

Just a little more guidance please.  

P.S.   I've written this entire reply thinking you were my friend John.   Now I see you are "Sloan".   Excuse me.    Here I am deep into this conversation, and I've never seen you on here before... are you a professional counselor?   Please introduce yourself.

And, thanx for your support.

Hey BandMan !

Then again, there's always, "Love One Another" and "Do Unto Others as ye would have them do unto you" and, "Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged" and "Am I my Brother's Keeper?" ... and, and, and,  "LOVE ONE ANOTHER" ...seems to be the kicker.

Yes, people do bad things all the time...and, GOOD people do bad things, too....from desperation....or illness (physical and mental)...or for any number of reasons...human beings make poor choices ~ it's the nature of the beast.

Well, this week slipped past without a word from the new Enrichment Teacher who is supposed to provide me with the concrete evidence via fax, prior to my conversation with my "friend".  

So, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Thanks for your response!

John,

They took corporate prayer out of schools. We can still pray. I pray at lunch everyday, I also carry my Bible in my bag. I cannot ask someone other than my daughter to pray during school hours, but I can do it independently. During the moment of silence everyday, I pray.

They are working on taking it from there as well. It is my belief that they can pass legislation that bans corporate this and that, but they cannot tell me that I cannot lead by example. Our children listen more to our actions than they do to our words. Stop and watch. So is it really the fault of legislation telling us we cannot preach it or is it our feeling of loss that has given the excuse to not teach it. Lead by moral model, not by tell and do.

 This letter seems relevant:

"Michael W. Jones

Published: February 24, 2009

Charleston, S.C. - There have been two recent letters regarding prayer in schools. These letters cite the various results from the professed "elimination" of prayer in schools. However, neither author has taken the time to fully elaborate on the ruling of the Supreme Court in the leading case on the issue: Abington v. Schempp, 374 U.S. 203 (1963).

The issue in Schempp was whether or not students in a public school could be compelled to pray or read the Bible at any point during the school day. The court spoke nearly unanimously; the decision was an 8-1 vote and, in the dissenting vote, Justice Stewart only disagreed with the majority because he did not feel like the case was developed enough for the court's review. The Supreme Court ruled that a public school could not require religious exercises as part of its daily routine.

A procedural history aside, the authors of the aforementioned letters leave out material facts and pertinent rulings of law to make their argument.

The Supreme Court does not prevent students from praying in school. Such an inference is clearly erroneous. There are various events where students may pray. Many students will enjoy a moment of silence in the morning when they are free to pray to Jesus Christ, Allah, God or even Divine Providence, should they desire. These same students are permitted to pray at Fellowship of Christian Athletes meetings, at other events such as "Meet Me At The Pole" or before or after school activities.

The main restriction on prayer is twofold: first, that the prayer is not compelled by the educational institution; second, that the student's praying is not interrupting the school day or preventing others from learning.

The News Herald's editor added notes on both of the letters written on this issue thus far and the editor is correct – there has never been a brightline test banning prayer in schools.

This is an issue that has been hotly contested since Schempp was decided in 1963 and while both sides have reasonable arguments, neither side should engage in half-truths to garner support. Further, I would encourage both sides of this debate and others (including gun control, abortion, etc.) to engage in a reasoned debate that recognizes the other side, not an emotionally reactive argument that spirals into insults and name-calling.

Editor's note: The author is a former Burke County student studying law in college in Charleston.

http://www2.morganton.com/content/2009/feb/24/letter-supreme-court-...

debo says ...

 ... there was this one mom (who was the parent committee treasurer, who open the credit union account) that worked very hard, too.  She was my mainstay.   Her son was in my program and she devoted herself to helping.   We became true friends.  I went to her home for dinner several times, met her husband...we were/are friends.

What is a friend? A friend is someone who does right by you, not betray you.

One thing led to another... and, after a year or so, I took a fall and injured my lower-back.  My injury was serious.  For 2 years I kept trying to return to work, but, I'd last a few months then succumb to the pain and be out for the year.   Eventually I realized that I could not do my job anymore.  I had to quit.  There was no alternative, it wasn't fair to the kids ~ when I was out they had no teacher!   So, I left my position.

   That mom's signature was needed to access these monies.

One day a few months ago the teacher of the Enrichment Program called me (from 1,200 miles away) to tell me that the Credit Union had no money in that account....$1,600 was missing.  

Now, this may not sound like a whole lot of money to you...but it was a whole lot of work and when no one else is willing to help financially, even pennies feel like GOLD.   Besides, one 'financially responsible institution' had already absorbed $1k of our hard-earned funds...and now... well, they weren't going to get away with it.   I was ready to "blow the whistle", "halt traffic", and hire an attorney.

Then, yesterday, the "new" teacher for The Enrichment Program phoned to tell me they had traced-down the person who withdrew the funds...it was that mom, whom I'm still friends with, that came back from her new home in Colorado, three years after she'd moved away, and a year after I'd left the district.  She returned and, using her valid Colorado Driver's License, withdrew all our funds.

There are really too many details to tell the entire story, the above is a synopsis... here's my problem : SHE'S MY FRIEND!  

The real problem is that you think you owe her some kind of break because you are so called "friends". She is the one that needs to patch things up with you. You don't have the problem.

She has even been involved in the investigation to find the funds.   She has complained to me about the lost money, saying it should have been for the kids, that her son was supposed to be able to go to Space Camp on that money.   And, still, she has known all along that she's the one who took it.  

This is typical behavior for the guilty party.

Now, here's the unspoken issue: she's a drinker.  I've known this all along.   I haven't made a big issue out of it, because that is her personal business.  I f she wanted to tell me her problems, then I would have listened ~ but, I think she's a closet alcoholic, and so long as she stayed in the closet, it wasn't my business to go prying around....sigh.  

The best gift you can give her tough love and not to enable her.

  We have been friends for all these years, across all these miles...we send cards, and small gifts (when appropriate)...we talk on the phone every couple months or so...we have nick-names for each other...I've written her letters-of-reference trying to help her find work....ooooh...my....gawd....

 I'm supposed to talk to "my friend" about what happened to our Enrichment Program Money. 

I would say to them that it's the new person's job. You left the position. You didn't steal it, you earned it. Let them talk to her.

   Is my "friend" a thief? 

Yes, but the kind that thought she would never get caught.

Yes, and a drunk so she can't be trusted. Addicts and abusers can be very manipulative and untrustworthy (not bad people, just mental.)

 

 

 

 

We've really made a change in direction in this conversation.

Where is the "separation of church and state" in the Constitution? Our founding fathers were much more interested in protecting the church from the state than the state from the church. Can anyone cite some of the early writings that indicate an interest in keeping anything related to religion and God out of schools? Having experienced the Church of England, they certainly didn't want government inteferring with religion.

Whose morals? Thats the problem, isn't it. Those Ten Suggestions from Old Testament Scripture are the basis of most of our legal system, which is why they are part of the front of the Supreme Court building. When you throw that out, what you have is secular humanism where there are no absolutes. Its not wrong for your friend to take your money if she didn't think that it was wrong. With situational ethics, you can justify just about anything.

Whether the Supreme Court banned prayer is not as important as the accepted interpretation of that ruling, As for the silent moment, I think ours is roughly 10 seconds. Better pray quick.

In my community, just within the last year, the ACLU won a lawsuit against our community's weekday religious trailers, which the churches purchase, maintain and transport to school parking lots so that elementary school students have the option to walk outside the school house and into one of these trailers. Indiana law allows for that. But, with over 98% voluntary participation, one mother wins out. This is not a separation. This is an attack.

My son has recently been blogging about his readings of the Federalist papers. Maybe we should all go back and read real history, not the history in our textbooks.

I think we should now go back to your original topic. Oh, btw, one of those Ten Suggestions was something about stealing, was it not?

AMIGA DEBO: I'm late to the main topic but a new one is starting, Why don't you start it ? I would like to comment on it or should I do it here?